two...

*** I really do have intentions of blogging more than once a month. I promise.***

I am currently so very {blissfully} behind.
How is it that a whole month has gone by sice my last post?

Snap!

Just like that.

It feels like I just blinked my eyes and already my littlemiss miracle is two months old.

It nearly seems impossible that it has already been two months since Leah joined our family and yet, already my {former} life feels like such a distant memory. My {former} pre-mama identity? She seems nearly a stranger, almost like someone that I used to know. Being a mother has changed my world in every.single.way possible and in all the best ways. I have never been so happy to 'be' in the moment. Right now as I type this, a little part of my soul is right beside me squealing and jabbering and giggling and making my heart feel as though it might swell right out of my chest.

Life is different... very different.

Dishes now sit in the sink a little longer than I'm used to. Dusty footprints linger on my floors for longer than I would like. Blog posts go unwritten. Sleep doesn't last as long as it once did. Dinners aren't quite as peaceful as they used to be. My long, evening soaks in the tub don't come as often as they once did and they certainly don't last as long. Gas seems to last a little longer in my gas tank. Alone time with my mister is now a treat, rather than the daily "norm". Basic tasks that used to take me an hour to do, now often take me several days to get done. My roots seem to get longer and longer between touch-ups, revealing to the world my gray (gasp) hairs.

...and yet...

I have never been more content

*********

con·tent (kuh n-tent)
adjective.

1. Desiring no more than what one has; satisfied.
2. Ready to accept or acquiesce; willing

I L.O.V.E being her mama.

I love the way her little scalp smells, so fresh and pure. I love the way she lays her head on my shoulder as we dance around the kitchen playing our favorite songs when she's fussy. I love to kiss the warm, soft skin on her neck. I love the way she stares directly into my eyes when I feed her. I love the way she is mesmerized by the Christmas lights. I love the way she splashes with her arms and legs in the bathtub. I love the way her daddy talks to her. I love our afternoons in the rocking chair singing all the songs that my Grandma Leah used to sing to me. I love the way she grunts and groans when she's starting to wake up. I love her 2 funny cowlicks and especially her bald-spot. I love her high-pitched squeal and her happy toothless grin. I love the sounds and whimpers she makes as she is sucking on a binky when she's sad or hungry. I love the way that she likes her bum patted when she's swaddled and falling asleep in my arms. I love how she's starting to sleep through the night. I love all of the emotions that she has awakened in me. And I love the feeling of being a wife and mother more than I ever thought I would or even could.

Some 2 month stats:

* Weight: 11lbs 5oz

* Height: 23.5 inches

* Head Circumference: 39.75 cm

* She is starting to sleep through the night, sleeping anywhere from 6-11 hour stretches consistently. Allelujah!

* Although she is a good night time sleeper, she is not a very good napper. Our nights are much more consistent than our days. (I'll take it)

* She is very jabbery. She talks a lot!! Her happy, chatty sounds seem to melt me into a sloppy, puddley mess.

* She is smiling and starting to laugh. (once again...melting)

* She l.o.v.e.s bath time.

* She is just starting to like tummy time. Her head and neck and arms are getting stronger all the time.

* She has my heart wrapped securely around her long, little fingers. XOX

Happy 2 month birthday littlemiss leah!

I love you!

one mama month

It has been one month since my world changed so incredibly and drastically as we officially entered this new stage of life. My littlemiss leah is one month old today. Surreal? Yes! So much of my life still feels a bit unbelievable.

Things that I have learned this month:

* My heart can love deeper than I ever thought possible. I love her more every single second. And I have never loved CJ more than seeing him as a daddy.

* I always thought that I was one who could function pretty without a ton of sleep. As it turns out, I need more than I thought to function well.

* Having a baby is hard. Women who push babies out and make it look easy are not doing the rest of us any favors. I've been told that those memories will fade. thank goodness!

*Hormones are real and they do crazy things to you. I have cried more this month than in most of my life combined. Sometimes for no discernible reason at all.

* I can, in fact, go weeks without ever turning on the TV or even caring what is going on in the world. My world is forever changed to revolve around something more important.

*Sleeping on my stomach feels as good as I remembered it.

*Breastfeeding is not as hard or scary as I thought it would be. Maybe it helps to get all worked up and plan for the worst sometimes.

* That being said, as much as breastfeeding is a "natural process"... it does not come naturally.

* Babies smell so naturally good.

* Time is crazy. The months and "big picture" goes so fast. too fast. However, the days and nights and even hours go slow. Sometimes way too slow.

* Grandmas and Grandpas are the best. I don't know what I would do without my parents, especially my mom.

* The world changes fast when you aren't paying attention. While being on bed rest and having a baby, they tore buildings down in my area, completely switched the layout of my grocery store and remodeled the store that I work in.

* I have the best husband and babydaddy ever. seriously, ever!

* Babies really do create a ridiculous amount of laundry.

* There is nothing better than 10 wiggly baby toes.

* I've already gotten used to being puked on.

* It is humbling to have another human being rely 100% upon me. Sometimes it scares me.

* I could stare at her all day long. Most days, I do.

* I can shower and get ready really, really fast. (and I use the term "get ready" very loosely!)

* I have the best neighbors around. They have been so, so good to us and kept us well fed for weeks.

* Being a mama is infinitely more amazing and rewarding than I ever even expected it to be. It is also infinitely more difficult.

* I have never been happier knowing that I am right where I am supposed to be... at home, in sweats, in the middle of the afternoon with the most precious gift that I have ever been given.

*******

Some things about the littlemiss at one month:

* She is the noisiest sleeper I have ever heard. She grunts and groans and even giggles all night long.

* She is a big spitter-upper.

* She is great to take a bottle, but still likes mama best. :)

* At her 2 week appt she weighed 7lbs 6oz was 21 inches long and had a head circumference of 36.5cm.

* She likes to be cuddled and rocked and jiggled. But who doesn't like to be cuddled, really?

* She likes bathtime.

*She liked diet coke more when she was inside of me than she does now that she is here. It's a little sad, especially because mama has never needed it more.

* She has most everyone she knows securely wrapped around her little finger, most especially her mama and daddy.

* No baby has ever been more loved or adored.

(The incredible, adorable number one onesie that Leah is sporting was made by my beautiful, uber-talented and creative friend Allisen... who just happens to be a new mama herself! There are 11 more and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them!)

Happy Halloween

my little mexican souvenir...

This dress (and one other) was the only souvenir that we brought back from our final vacation as a family of two. We left for mexico just hours after our ultrasound revealed that the little peanut was in fact a she-nut! It's a little big and silly, but it makes my heart feel like it might explode.

I still can't believe that she's here and that I'm a mama.

I've never been more in love.

bffs

My niece had a baby girl just 12 days before Leah was born. All through our pregnancies, we have been so excited for these little girls to be the best of friends.

Finally, they were reunited last weekend and it was so much fun!

We all sort of assumed that Bree would have a smaller baby (after all, she's 5 foot nothing) and I would have a bigger baby... so we were shocked when Lydia was born a full pound and a half bigger than Leah. That coupled with her 12 day head start, made them seem like a bit of an odd couple.

I couldn't believe how little Lydia made Leah look and how big Leah made Lydia look.

We took lots of pictures, because once we set them down next to each other, they were both wide awake and checking each other out, but of all the pictures, this has to be one of my favorites.

It's Leah's "I may be little, but you don't know what I've been through and I'm way tougher than I look" look.

So much fun lies ahead for these two cute little ones and I can't wait!

(Leah is well on her way to catching up to Lydia. We took her to the pediatrician this week and after dropping to 6lbs after birth, she is now weighing in at 7lbs 6oz!! Apparently, mama's creamery is fully operational!)

the arrival...

...of our

littlemiss

What a journey this has been for us. The long awaited, much prayed for miracle baby girls' arrival.

It did not go exactly as planned or desired, but nevertheless, we are ecstatic that she is here and she is healthy.

When I was diagnosed with toxemia and put on bed rest, the plan was to try and keep her inside as long as possible and ideally try to get me to October 4th, when the Dr thought she would be big enough and healthy enough to join us on the outside. All along, I have been aware that there was some chance that I would need to have a C-section due to my cervical issues. It was thought that there might be an issue with too much scar tissue and not being able to dialate fully. When Dr M removed my cerclage shortly after being put on bed-rest, he still thought there was a 50/50 chance that a Cesarean would be needed, however the plan was to induce and give my body a chance to do what it's supposed to do. We were scheduled for a midnight induction the night of October 3rd/morning of October 4th.

Those last few weeks, we continued to have 2 and 3x a week appointments to monitor my blood pressure, protein levels and to do non-stress tests to ensure that she was still thriving in there. Thankfully everything went well those last few weeks and we made it to our desired target date.

My final belly pictures... just before leaving for the hospital

It was surreal to realize that the next time we entered the nursery, she would be in my arms and not my belly.

Just prior to leaving home, I was given a beautiful blessing by Chris and my Dad. I am so lucky to have such amazing, strong and faithful men in my life.


We got to the hospital right on time and we were off and running...
It was crazy to know that this time, we weren't leaving without delivering our baby.

Everything was going according to plan. I was admitted and got my IV's with the pitocin drip between 12:30 and 1am. It was a long, sleepless night as my contractions got more and more consistent and more and more uncomfortable. My blood pressure was still running on the high side, but it was nice to know that I was being watched closely. In between comforting and checking on me, Chris tried to get a little rest on the beat-up sofa in the room, although I don't think his attempts were very successful. My parents and sister were also there to keep me company. My mom spent lots of time sitting right next to my bed, holding my hand and reassuring me that I could do this.

Dr M. arrived just after 7am to check on things. I was only dialated to a 3 (not much more than I had been dialated in his office a few days before). He broke my water (not awesome or comfortable) and helped arrange for my epidural, something I had been looking forward to. I got the epidural just after 7:30am. I managed through it just fine... CJ, however, was another story. Something about no sleep, no food in his belly and big needles that did a number on him. He managed to not pass out and after some crackers and juice was back to being my all-star coach.

Within a few minutes of getting the epidural, my feet started to tingle as promised and I felt a little more relaxed. My blood pressure continued to track really high, something that is unusual after an epidural. After about a half an hour, I found that although I felt a bit tingly, I was still feeling the contractions and they still hurt! With each contraction, I would wince in pain and my blood pressure would shoot up. I kept telling the nurse that I was still feeling the contractions and she would re-position me in hoping of getting me more comfortable and out of pain. Several times throughout the morning as I was still grimacing in pain, she sent the anesthesiologist in to check on me. Each time, he would turn the epidural up a bit and once again re-position me. It would seem to help for about 15-20 minutes and then I was back to feeling miserable pain with each contraction. Finally about 11am or shortly after, I realized what was happening... the epidural was only working on the left side of my body, but not on the right side. Each time he turned it up, it would make my left side more and more numb, while I barely had the tingles on my right side. My left side ultimately got so numb that you could have chopped off my leg with a dull saw and I wouldn't have even known or cared. However, I was still able to do chorus line kicks with my right leg and my right pelvis/abdomen was where all of my pain was coming from. My nurse was fantastic and was pushing really hard for them to figure it out and get me comfortable, however, nothing happened fast. The anesthesiologist just kept tweaking things hoping to make it better. Clearly... it wasn't working.

Dr M arrived back a little after noon to check my progress again. After 5 more long hours of uncomfortable labor, I had progressed only from a 3 to a 5, and my blood pressure was still really high. It was shaping up to be a long day, but he still wanted to see what my body would do, particularly if they could get me comfortable, before opting for a c-section. The anesthesiologist finally came back and decided that I would need a 2nd epidural. not awesome and yet, it's about time... 5 hours later. I got the epidural just before 12:30pm and within 10 minutes, felt dreamy. Finally, I felt like I could rest...THIS was what an epidural was supposed to feel like and I liked it. I dozed off for the first time since everything began only to awaken a little after 1pm panicked and feeling like something had changed and I needed to go to the bathroom and fast!! I called my L&D nurse back in and she checked me and I was dialated to a 10 and ready to push! Just like that... after hours of nothing, as soon as they got me comfortable, I dialated from a 5 to a 10 in only about 30 minutes. It looked like the scar tissue wasn't an issue after all and I was going to have this baby the old fashioned way!

She called the Dr and told him that it was time, and instantly there were scores of nurses and techs everywhere who transformed the room from a labor suite to a delivery room. Chris rushed out to get my mom, who was wandering the halls and Dr M re-appeared out of nowhere. It all happened so fast and I was terrified. I remember panicking and telling Chris how scared I was. I was also a little bummed that I barely even had a chance to enjoy the epidural or get any rest! Within 10 minutes of me waking up and less than an hour after having the 2nd epidural, I was pushing.

I pushed and I pushed. My contractions were long, but still a little far a part. I would push and push and push and push only to have her sneak back up a bit in between contractions, meaning I would have to start all over. After several rounds of contractions and pushing, it became apparent to the Dr that she was getting stuck. I was starting to tear, so I ended up with a full episiotomy (not awesome) which still didn't seem to help. The Dr. decided to use the vacuum to help her out and keep her down in between contractions. Still after more pushing and using the vacuum, she still couldn't get out. It seemed that she was stuck on my odd shaped tailbone. It started to get scary, because my blood pressure was so high and now her heart rate was impacted and she was essentially stuck. He finally went for the forceps and basically just dug her out. Pretty sure he broke my tailbone in the process. Maybe a c-section wouldn't have been so bad after all?!?

Alas, after all of that, our beautiful banged up baby girl was born @ 1:46 pm, weighing 6lbs 8oz and 20 inches long. She came out screaming (i don't blame her) and her daddy and my most awesome birth coach got to cut the cord, before they took her across the room to clean her up and get her stats. That was the only time that I got to reach out and touch her for what seemed like an eternity. We both felt a bit victimized and traumatized by all that had happened in such a short period of time. As they were attending to her, the Dr continued to work on me, sewing me up and trying to put me back together again. I could hear all of the nurses talking about how bruised and banged up she was, and although screaming and crying at first, she started to have a hard time breathing, so soon they whisked her off to the nursery for better suctioning and some oxygen. I have never been so sad or heartbroken then to see them take her away, before I ever even got a chance to officially meet her and tell her that I loved her.

Seeing how nothing about this day had been easy, neither was my recovery. Once the Dr had finally put me back together (more or less) I started to get really nauseated and spent much of the next 1.5 hours throwing up and sobbing, both from the emotions of having a baby and still not really having had any time with her and also from the pain of such a miserable birth. They wouldn't give me pain meds until I could stop throwing up, which was awful. It definitely wasn't the beautiful picture that I had in my mind or the one that I've seen over and over on "A Baby Story".

Finally after about 2 hours in recovery, they finally got me stable enough to move me to my postpartum room. As they were wheeling me down the hall, out came Chris holding our baby girl. It was there in the long corridor of the hospital that I first got to hold my precious gift and tell her how much I loved her and how happy I was that she had finally joined our family. It was incredibly emotional. Once we got to our room, the three of us had a few minutes to ourselves to just take it all in. So many happy tears were shed and prayers of thanks offered. It was a humbling and very sweet experience. Chris was amazing through everything and seeing him with his baby girl has been one of the sweetest things I could ever imagine. I can honestly say that I have never loved him more.

The poor thing was so bruised and swollen and it was obvious that she didn't feel well, but miraculously she only had to be on oxygen for less than an hour and has been thriving ever since. She is such a sweet baby and I still can't believe that I could instantly love someone so much so fast.



After all of that, mom and baby were still ready to be discharged just 48 mere hours later. I couldn't believe that she was really ours to take home.

As they were wheeling me out to the car, this was what I was looking at. My miraculous angel. She was so hard to get here from start to finish. Yet, nothing I have ever done or gone through has been more worth it.

And 2 weeks later, I am still in awe of her. It's true what many said those first few days...

The bruises will heal and yet the miracle will remain.



*****



My recovery has been awful. Plain. and. Simple. I can't sit without agony. I can't go to the bathroom without agony. I can hardly even lay around without agony.

But I also can't look at her without getting choked up and feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. I almost feel like things are too good to be true and that scares me.



My mom has been amazing and between bedrest and helping me adjust has given up nearly a month of her life to be at my side. I don't know what I would do without her. I finally had to let her go home and return to her normal activities a few days ago and I sobbed as she left. Not because I needed her physical help so much as I loved the time I got to spend with her and I had come to rely on the safety and security that she brought. As she drove away, it was the first time that I was alone and in charge of this precious baby girl. Such an awesome, overwhleming and frightening experience.



Still today, I truly feel overwhelmed in every single sense of the word.



overwhelmed with gratitude

overwhelmed with humility

overwhelmed with joy

overwhelmed with fear

overwhelmed with inadequacy

overwhelmed with exhaustion

and absolutely

overwhelmed with love


*****

Welcome Sweet Miracle Baby Leah

I couldn't love you more.

Introducing:

{more details to come}

{just as soon as I can actually sit in a chair long enough to type again}

{but rest assured, we are madly & deeply in love with this precious little bundle}

{a special space for my special girl}

The official countdown is on... the arrival of our littlemiss is now just days away. We've known she was coming for months now, however it has snuck up on us even quicker than expected.

After suffering a few minor complications a couple of weeks ago, I was diagnosed with toxemia and quickly put on strict bedrest.

not awesome.

As much as I have been scurrying about these last two months gathering treasures and preparing for her arrival... I was not at all ready to be put down and out of commission. I still had lots of nesting projects and shopping lists to complete and her nursery was not yet {magical} enough....

Well... thanks to my amazing babydaddy, my mom, sisters, nieces and friends, I have been well taken care of and they have worked so hard on all of my last minute errands, shopping, laundry, cleaning, tweaking, finishing and fine-tuning... all the while, I've been in bed, bossing them around and trying not to have a nervous break-down. (this many hormones and raw emotions combined with this much time on my hands...yikes)

But alas, the important things are now done and we are ready for our miracle story to continue unfolding.

Just {4 more sleeps} until the next chapter of our lives begins.... and we couldn't be more ecstatic and overjoyed to welcome her into our lives, our hearts and our home.

I hope she loves it here...

It's a bit non-traditional, (you'll notice there's not a stitch of pink)....

But I {LOVE} the way her nursery turned out. It's better than I ever imagined!

I figure we'll have a lot of years ahead with disney princesses, glittery tiaras and loads of pink.

In the meantime... I did it the way that I wanted it.

*********

Thank you for all of the love and support throughout my pregnancy and especially these last few weeks. I feel so blessed and loved and incredibly humbled by the many kindnesses and services that have been extended our way!

...Stay Tuned...

(exciting things are about to happen)

AND yet another...

{spoiledrottenbabyshower}

{the details}

{the guests}

{and more guests}

{and most importantly... the hostesses}

Last week, I was lucky enough to be honored with yet another amazing baby shower for our littlemissleah. Our young women and the amazing women that lead and guide them hosted a fabulous evening for friends, neighbors and ward members. It could not have been more beautiful. They took Leah's nursery colors and went all out with beautiful & incredible food, amazing decor, strings of lights and details to boot. It was amazing and humbling!

We had an fantastic turnout of friends and neighbors and it was just another affirmation to me of just how blessed I am. There were many who somehow escaped the camera, but it was so fun to see every single one. We came away with loads of amazing treasures and we don't take one single bit of it for granted.

Thank you to all my ladies who worked so hard to put this together! I loved every minute of it! And I love YOU!

{and see those amazing fabric poms over the food table that the one and only missgina made for me... wait until you see the amazing mobile that I have created with them!}

{final nursery pictures coming soon.....stay tuned!}

Jam Packed Labor Day Weekend

Always one of my favorite weekends of the year.... Labor Day Weekend did not disappoint this year. I am not sure if the C*K*J's could have packed in any more fun if we had tried...

It started with the annual girls trip to Swiss Days. This year we stayed in a beautiful condo at the Canyons and had more fun than should be allowed. We ate, laughed, played games, stayed up too late and collectively decided that we just might have to make an entire week of it next year. I love spending time with my family... especially when it's just the girls!

Thanks Mom for making it happen!

After a long day of shopping and battling the swiss days crowds, it was time to meet the mister and the boys for the season opener BYU game. Always much anticipated and it did not disappoint this year. I was worried that I would be miserable and unable to sit that long... but I made it until the very end, when we snuck out just a few minutes early.

(to be perfectly honest, I asked CJ if he was ready to go after halftime, but after he whispered to the littlemiss in my giant belly that I was being a quitter... I had to stick it out, and I'm glad I did)

Sunday started off with the beautiful baby blessing of my amazing niece's baby, Ryder. It was such a sweet blessing and we loved being able to be a part of their special day.

We capped off Sunday with another fun party and more delicious food at my parents house to celebrate their fiftythird wedding anniversary!!! Unfortunately, I didn't get any pictures.... I was getting too tired at this point!
But it was really great to have everyone together this weekend, especially with so much to celebrate.

Monday started off with CJ getting up early to go golfing with my brothers, something he hasn't had nearly enough time this summer to do.
We then spent a few hours at the baseball game soaking in every minute of the 70 degree day before heading off to yet another party... this time it was CJ's niece Megan's 14th birthday. Once again, I'm sad that I didn't get any pictures, but her party was adorable with a polka dot theme, delicious dinner, swimming and an incredible birthday cake!!

Whew! I better start resting up for next year.

(still to come... details on yet another amazing spoiledrottenshower)