the arrival...

...of our

littlemiss

What a journey this has been for us. The long awaited, much prayed for miracle baby girls' arrival.

It did not go exactly as planned or desired, but nevertheless, we are ecstatic that she is here and she is healthy.

When I was diagnosed with toxemia and put on bed rest, the plan was to try and keep her inside as long as possible and ideally try to get me to October 4th, when the Dr thought she would be big enough and healthy enough to join us on the outside. All along, I have been aware that there was some chance that I would need to have a C-section due to my cervical issues. It was thought that there might be an issue with too much scar tissue and not being able to dialate fully. When Dr M removed my cerclage shortly after being put on bed-rest, he still thought there was a 50/50 chance that a Cesarean would be needed, however the plan was to induce and give my body a chance to do what it's supposed to do. We were scheduled for a midnight induction the night of October 3rd/morning of October 4th.

Those last few weeks, we continued to have 2 and 3x a week appointments to monitor my blood pressure, protein levels and to do non-stress tests to ensure that she was still thriving in there. Thankfully everything went well those last few weeks and we made it to our desired target date.

My final belly pictures... just before leaving for the hospital

It was surreal to realize that the next time we entered the nursery, she would be in my arms and not my belly.

Just prior to leaving home, I was given a beautiful blessing by Chris and my Dad. I am so lucky to have such amazing, strong and faithful men in my life.


We got to the hospital right on time and we were off and running...
It was crazy to know that this time, we weren't leaving without delivering our baby.

Everything was going according to plan. I was admitted and got my IV's with the pitocin drip between 12:30 and 1am. It was a long, sleepless night as my contractions got more and more consistent and more and more uncomfortable. My blood pressure was still running on the high side, but it was nice to know that I was being watched closely. In between comforting and checking on me, Chris tried to get a little rest on the beat-up sofa in the room, although I don't think his attempts were very successful. My parents and sister were also there to keep me company. My mom spent lots of time sitting right next to my bed, holding my hand and reassuring me that I could do this.

Dr M. arrived just after 7am to check on things. I was only dialated to a 3 (not much more than I had been dialated in his office a few days before). He broke my water (not awesome or comfortable) and helped arrange for my epidural, something I had been looking forward to. I got the epidural just after 7:30am. I managed through it just fine... CJ, however, was another story. Something about no sleep, no food in his belly and big needles that did a number on him. He managed to not pass out and after some crackers and juice was back to being my all-star coach.

Within a few minutes of getting the epidural, my feet started to tingle as promised and I felt a little more relaxed. My blood pressure continued to track really high, something that is unusual after an epidural. After about a half an hour, I found that although I felt a bit tingly, I was still feeling the contractions and they still hurt! With each contraction, I would wince in pain and my blood pressure would shoot up. I kept telling the nurse that I was still feeling the contractions and she would re-position me in hoping of getting me more comfortable and out of pain. Several times throughout the morning as I was still grimacing in pain, she sent the anesthesiologist in to check on me. Each time, he would turn the epidural up a bit and once again re-position me. It would seem to help for about 15-20 minutes and then I was back to feeling miserable pain with each contraction. Finally about 11am or shortly after, I realized what was happening... the epidural was only working on the left side of my body, but not on the right side. Each time he turned it up, it would make my left side more and more numb, while I barely had the tingles on my right side. My left side ultimately got so numb that you could have chopped off my leg with a dull saw and I wouldn't have even known or cared. However, I was still able to do chorus line kicks with my right leg and my right pelvis/abdomen was where all of my pain was coming from. My nurse was fantastic and was pushing really hard for them to figure it out and get me comfortable, however, nothing happened fast. The anesthesiologist just kept tweaking things hoping to make it better. Clearly... it wasn't working.

Dr M arrived back a little after noon to check my progress again. After 5 more long hours of uncomfortable labor, I had progressed only from a 3 to a 5, and my blood pressure was still really high. It was shaping up to be a long day, but he still wanted to see what my body would do, particularly if they could get me comfortable, before opting for a c-section. The anesthesiologist finally came back and decided that I would need a 2nd epidural. not awesome and yet, it's about time... 5 hours later. I got the epidural just before 12:30pm and within 10 minutes, felt dreamy. Finally, I felt like I could rest...THIS was what an epidural was supposed to feel like and I liked it. I dozed off for the first time since everything began only to awaken a little after 1pm panicked and feeling like something had changed and I needed to go to the bathroom and fast!! I called my L&D nurse back in and she checked me and I was dialated to a 10 and ready to push! Just like that... after hours of nothing, as soon as they got me comfortable, I dialated from a 5 to a 10 in only about 30 minutes. It looked like the scar tissue wasn't an issue after all and I was going to have this baby the old fashioned way!

She called the Dr and told him that it was time, and instantly there were scores of nurses and techs everywhere who transformed the room from a labor suite to a delivery room. Chris rushed out to get my mom, who was wandering the halls and Dr M re-appeared out of nowhere. It all happened so fast and I was terrified. I remember panicking and telling Chris how scared I was. I was also a little bummed that I barely even had a chance to enjoy the epidural or get any rest! Within 10 minutes of me waking up and less than an hour after having the 2nd epidural, I was pushing.

I pushed and I pushed. My contractions were long, but still a little far a part. I would push and push and push and push only to have her sneak back up a bit in between contractions, meaning I would have to start all over. After several rounds of contractions and pushing, it became apparent to the Dr that she was getting stuck. I was starting to tear, so I ended up with a full episiotomy (not awesome) which still didn't seem to help. The Dr. decided to use the vacuum to help her out and keep her down in between contractions. Still after more pushing and using the vacuum, she still couldn't get out. It seemed that she was stuck on my odd shaped tailbone. It started to get scary, because my blood pressure was so high and now her heart rate was impacted and she was essentially stuck. He finally went for the forceps and basically just dug her out. Pretty sure he broke my tailbone in the process. Maybe a c-section wouldn't have been so bad after all?!?

Alas, after all of that, our beautiful banged up baby girl was born @ 1:46 pm, weighing 6lbs 8oz and 20 inches long. She came out screaming (i don't blame her) and her daddy and my most awesome birth coach got to cut the cord, before they took her across the room to clean her up and get her stats. That was the only time that I got to reach out and touch her for what seemed like an eternity. We both felt a bit victimized and traumatized by all that had happened in such a short period of time. As they were attending to her, the Dr continued to work on me, sewing me up and trying to put me back together again. I could hear all of the nurses talking about how bruised and banged up she was, and although screaming and crying at first, she started to have a hard time breathing, so soon they whisked her off to the nursery for better suctioning and some oxygen. I have never been so sad or heartbroken then to see them take her away, before I ever even got a chance to officially meet her and tell her that I loved her.

Seeing how nothing about this day had been easy, neither was my recovery. Once the Dr had finally put me back together (more or less) I started to get really nauseated and spent much of the next 1.5 hours throwing up and sobbing, both from the emotions of having a baby and still not really having had any time with her and also from the pain of such a miserable birth. They wouldn't give me pain meds until I could stop throwing up, which was awful. It definitely wasn't the beautiful picture that I had in my mind or the one that I've seen over and over on "A Baby Story".

Finally after about 2 hours in recovery, they finally got me stable enough to move me to my postpartum room. As they were wheeling me down the hall, out came Chris holding our baby girl. It was there in the long corridor of the hospital that I first got to hold my precious gift and tell her how much I loved her and how happy I was that she had finally joined our family. It was incredibly emotional. Once we got to our room, the three of us had a few minutes to ourselves to just take it all in. So many happy tears were shed and prayers of thanks offered. It was a humbling and very sweet experience. Chris was amazing through everything and seeing him with his baby girl has been one of the sweetest things I could ever imagine. I can honestly say that I have never loved him more.

The poor thing was so bruised and swollen and it was obvious that she didn't feel well, but miraculously she only had to be on oxygen for less than an hour and has been thriving ever since. She is such a sweet baby and I still can't believe that I could instantly love someone so much so fast.



After all of that, mom and baby were still ready to be discharged just 48 mere hours later. I couldn't believe that she was really ours to take home.

As they were wheeling me out to the car, this was what I was looking at. My miraculous angel. She was so hard to get here from start to finish. Yet, nothing I have ever done or gone through has been more worth it.

And 2 weeks later, I am still in awe of her. It's true what many said those first few days...

The bruises will heal and yet the miracle will remain.



*****



My recovery has been awful. Plain. and. Simple. I can't sit without agony. I can't go to the bathroom without agony. I can hardly even lay around without agony.

But I also can't look at her without getting choked up and feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. I almost feel like things are too good to be true and that scares me.



My mom has been amazing and between bedrest and helping me adjust has given up nearly a month of her life to be at my side. I don't know what I would do without her. I finally had to let her go home and return to her normal activities a few days ago and I sobbed as she left. Not because I needed her physical help so much as I loved the time I got to spend with her and I had come to rely on the safety and security that she brought. As she drove away, it was the first time that I was alone and in charge of this precious baby girl. Such an awesome, overwhleming and frightening experience.



Still today, I truly feel overwhelmed in every single sense of the word.



overwhelmed with gratitude

overwhelmed with humility

overwhelmed with joy

overwhelmed with fear

overwhelmed with inadequacy

overwhelmed with exhaustion

and absolutely

overwhelmed with love


*****

Welcome Sweet Miracle Baby Leah

I couldn't love you more.