really?!?

one year ago this very day....

my life was forever and completely changed by a little white stick.

Ok, so actually it was a bunch of white sticks.

I wouldn't say that I had given up on ever finding myself pregnant, but I was surely beyond even hopefully expecting it.

I had stopped tracking every day of my cycle and long since given up on the every single month pregnancy tests.

After aggressively trying for nearly 3 years, tons of procedures, lots of drugs and constant bad news and let-downs... we were starting to move on to other options.

We were mid-way through the adoption application process, having completed all of our letters of recommendations, education classes, background checks and the first round of interviews.

Along with that, I had begun some alternative treatments to help balance my body out after a long road of endless clomid and other fertility drugs.

Finally after a lot of heartache, we were feeling some peace about where we were headed.

It was the week that we were house sitting for our neighbors who were in Costa Rica and watching their 4 kids. It was a bit of a crazy week, (more about that here) Chris and I were both going non-stop and usually in different directions through-out the week trying to get everyone where they needed to go.

It was a Wednesday morning, I took the littlest peewee to preschool and then joyfully welcomed the 3 hours that I would have all to myself!

First on the agenda was my weekly acupuncture appt, something that I had actually started to look forward to each week, and if there was ever a week that I needed that meditation time, it was that week!!

When I arrived and did the usual catch-up with Lisa, one of the questions that she always asked was what day of my cycle I was on. Because she specializes in women's health, the pressure points that she focuses on each week depend specifically on what part of your cycle you are on.

I had to think for a minute, before telling her that I was on day 33. Nothing unusual there, I was used to having semi irregular cycles and day 33 wasn't any more unusual than day 23.

She proceeded to ask (to my annoyance) if I was having any symptoms that would indicate that auntie florence was on her way or maybe even indications of a pregnancy.

Nope. (again, nothing unusual there)

"Well, we'll just do this treatment as if you could possibly be pregnant then."

Excuse me? Are you kidding me!! I don't get pregnant!!

That's why I'm here, remember?!

Honestly, I remember feeling so irritated that she was even insinuating that. My normal quiet, tranquil period was now full of angst and what ifs all of the sudden.

After leaving Lisa's office, I had to stop at the grocery store and pick up a couple of things with my last hour of free time. My mind was still on "we'll just do this treatment as if you could be pregnant"

I knew that I would drive myself crazy with wonder, (something I had felt I'd finally "gotten over") so a twin pack of epts somehow ended up in my cart.

I had to stop by our house to pick up some clean clothes and a few things, so the first thing I did?

Yep... you guessed it?

Like so many times before, I remember sitting there with my pants around my ankles watching the 2 vertical lines show up pretty quickly, but then something that had never happened before... slowly a horizontal line started to appear, clearing making a + sign.

Here's where I wish there had been a little recorder going in my mind.

You must have done it wrong. Wait...how do you do it wrong? You just pee. You've peed on hundreds of these. But, you don't get pregnant. That can't be right. This one's bad. Something's wrong.

After a big drink of water and about 7 minutes and 23 seconds, the second stick was ripped open and there we went again.

Same thing. Another clear +

They must be expired. Nope, not until 2012. Maybe it's a bad batch. I should note this lot number. (and on and on and on)

The crazy thing is that never once, not even once did I ever think of calling Chris, which seems so crazy to me now. I was convinced that it couldn't really be true and I didn't want to disappoint him.

By now, it was time to go pick up peewee from preschool. So I did what any other doubter might do.... I stopped at RiteAid and bought every single brand of pregnancy tests that they had. Yep, every single one.

$84 worth, thankyouverymuch.

I spent the afternoon watching UP with peewee, drinking water, eating gross mickey mouse shaped chicken nuggets and sneaking off to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so to pee on another stick.

One after another showed the various positive results; pregnant, +, ll.

For some reason, I still couldn't believe it and I still hadn't told Chris. I didn't want to tell him over the phone and it certainly wasn't something that I could send him a text message about. He was headed straight from work to take the boys to their basketball games, so I didn't really have much of an opportunity, even if I'd wanted to. (atleast the right kind of opportunity)

So... off I went to YW that evening, with my secret and the littlepeewee in tow.

We went "heart-attacking" that night, all the while my heart felt like it was attacking!!

I got home, got the kids to bed before remembering that Chris was heading off to his 9pm basketball double header. It's churchball season, you know. So, I guess it will have to wait until tomorrow. I.n.s.a.n.e, right?

By the time I called my doctor the next morning, I had 8 positive white sticks in front of me... (eight)

The conversation went a little like this:

"I think I might be pregnant"

"What do you mean, you *think* you might be pregnant?"

"ummm, I tested positive on a pregnancy test, actually quite a few of them"

"Well, you know, they're pretty accurate?"

After some more back and forth and plenty of emotion on my end, I was scheduled to be seen within the hour. Peewee was off to the neighbors and I was on my way, by myself, because you see... my babydaddy still had absolutely no idea what was going on.

The first thing the nurse had me do was a urine sample before getting me to an exam room. It wasn't long before Dr M came in with a little white stick in his hand. The only thing he said, was a question...

"How many of these tests is it going to take for you to believe that you are pregnant? Congratulations!"

The tears came almost instantly and the final confirmation was the blood test, nearly 24 hours after it had all began in Lisa's office the day prior.

I cried (sobbed, really) all the way home as it finally started to sink in and I realized that I was going to get to give Chris the best.news.ever, the very thing that we'd prayed, pleaded and begged for!

All evening, I kept telling Chris that I needed him to help me get the kids' homework done and off to bed early, because I had a surprise for him, a bit of an early Valentines Day present. :)

I could tell that he was excited as his mind immediately started spinning. I'm quite certain that he was expecting something very, very different. But those thoughts motivated him to get the kids in bed a bit faster!

And finally in bed that night, nearly 36 hours after that very first postive test... I presented him with a little Valentines gift to open:

and nothing has ever been the same.

(thanks, if you're still reading. I've been wanting to write this all down for a while now.)